I am extremely irritated. I understand nobody would really want to spend 5 minutes reading my boo hooing, but this you may relate to. (Used the word ‘may’ coz if you don’t relate I still get to save my face.) Without furthering my brain rattles, I will get to the main agenda of this piece.
A little background to explain the point better. As deep as I can see into myself I can totally be sure that my reasons for a lot of my actions are innocent to a point of being super naïve. Most of the things I do I visualize a dramatic happy ending for them where I get giant size bear hugs and lots of amazing love. Oh yes, also, innumerable smiles to the point of being creepy. Highly exaggerated, but you get the gist.
Now now, I can see your mind writing this off as being pathetically needy but wait, this is my write-up and I get to justify! I simply switch places to set my expectations. If what I am doing right now was done for me, what would be my reaction? Pure happiness! Simple, right? Wrong. It took a lot of rude setbacks to realize that no two human beings are the same and the same goes for their actions and reactions. Disappointments were lots, accompanied by their close pals- Tears. Anger. Numbness. And then finally, what the heck?! I am tired of being hopelessly shocked and upset all the freaking time! Can’t change people, so a little tweaking in myself will get things good to go. A little less expectations, a little more shock proof, a little more alertness and lots more assertiveness. The ground didn’t break but the world took quite a swing as far as my existence was concerned. Thus life went on.
And at last I am coming to why I am very very irritated at this point in time. Because I miss being vulnerable. I miss being naïve and I sorely miss being happy. Slowly it dawns, when you buffer enough to not fall too hard, you kind of place an invisible limit to how high you could fly. And believe you me; it is definitely not anywhere close to the clouds. Question- was it worth the change? Bigger question- Why does it feel like it’s too late to turn back now?